Dose of Prose
Who’s excited for the New Year? I know I am. 2019 was truly one of the most challenging years of my life. I almost cannot even put into words the amount of struggles I faced, the rollercoaster of emotions I felt, and curveballs that have been thrown at me this year. To recap, this year I dealt with:
- Institutional and structural racism from a system that set me up to fail and from administrators in power who never wanted me to succeed in the first place
- Illness in my immediate family as well as death and grief over loved ones
- Unemployment…nothing else to say here – it is what it is
- “Homelessness” – I put this in quotes because the better way to describe it is being a minimalist or nomad. I wasn’t living out on the streets of Skid Row don’t worry lol!
- It’s a very long story…but the abbreviated version is that as I was job searching and apartment hunting, I temporarily lived out of a suitcase for 5 months this year (doing a month-to-month rental of an Airbnb/house) while all of my things were in a storage unit.
2019 Reflections
I know those bullet points are pretty vague and I plan to keep it that way (only my immediate family and close friends know what’s really going on) but the point here is not for me pour my life out on the internet. All I’m trying to say is that 2019 was a period of transition and change for me. I had a set routine and a certain path that I was on, but I had to take a detour. My goals and what I want to achieve are still the same, but I now have to adjust and go down a different road to get where I want to be. I know that a lot of things I have experienced are normal recent graduate/young adult/young professional/millennial struggles, but I didn’t think that these struggles would happen to me in the way that they did. I didn’t realize that I would have to change and alter my entire plan so suddenly and quickly.
For example, I thought getting a job and an apartment would happen just like that! *snaps fingers* Boy, was I wrong. The reality check I got slapped me in the face so hard that I still feel dizzy, haha. I guess if I wanted just any job and any type of housing, of course I could have probably had both by now…but I don’t just want anything. There is a specific type of job/company/career, hell, salary, that I want so I will only apply/accept a position that aligns with that…and my housing is the same way. I am intentional and thinking long-term, so as a result, these things don’t just happen overnight.
For the first time ever, I didn’t know what the next day would bring, and for someone like me, who plans out every single scenario in their life, this whole go with the flow/live in the moment didn’t sit too well with me. And it didn’t help that all I saw online were peers/associates who seemed to just “have it together” or things just happened for them seamlessly (and for some of them, it probably did). For me, in the moment when everything was just going in what felt like an endless downward spiral of bad news, I thought I was a failure and that everything I was working towards had been ripped away from me – I felt like I was not in control and that there would be no way for me to bounce back from the position I was in. While I was experiencing all of this, I would constantly think to myself:
Man, I can’t catch a break!
Are you serious? Why would he/she say that/act like that to me?
Is this really happening? This isn’t real.
I am doing the best that I can. What did I do to deserve this?
To this day, I don’t have the answer to those questions…and reflecting back on things, I probably was asking the wrong questions to begin with. I am not a victim and I am not being punished. This is all a part of my journey. Things will come full circle and I’ll eventually understand why I went through what I went through. Reminder: everything you go through in life is just character building experiences for you to become a better, wiser, stronger version of yourself. I no longer question why people act a certain way or say things that I don’t agree with because not everyone was raised like me. Not everyone has the same heart/values/morals as me. If anything, I’m just happy and thankful that their true colors were revealed to me early on, which ensures my feelings are protected and my time isn’t wasted.
Now don’t get me wrong, 2019 wasn’t all bad. I have learned so much and grown in a number of positive ways. I developed some great habits and in the midst of the chaos that I experienced, simultaneously, I’ve never felt such inner peace. I’ve been the most focused, disciplined, motivated and unbothered version of myself unlike ever before. I’ve set boundaries with toxic people and let go of negative energies and distractions. I’ve had invaluable opportunities and amazing people come into my life. Not a lot of people could do what I have done. Most would have given up, moved back home, changed careers/goals, lost themselves, etc. I did not. Sure, I may have had to make sacrifices in my social life and stick to a tight budget, but that was about it. Overall, I really can’t complain too much. No, this year wasn’t great for me, I’m still looking for jobs and housing, and still in this whole ‘transitional’ period, but, things could have been worse and they weren’t…so quite frankly, I am happy, lucky, blessed and grateful to be where I am.
I filmed an “Unemployment Routine” on Youtube a while ago. Not the best quality but hey, I’m a blogger, not a Youtuber so cut me some slack lol. Feel free to check it out if you’re curious about what my day-to-day is like as well as tips on how to stay motivated if you’re dealing with the same situation.
If you’ve been following my blog for a while, you know that a couple years ago I put out a post that listed 17 things I learned in 2017. It has some nice gems in there that still reign true, so definitely check it out. However, a lot can happen in a year, let alone two years, so I thought I’d write some more insights that I gained from this year that might be helpful reminders for you to take with you into 2020 and beyond.
What 2019 Taught Me
- Just because things could have been different, doesn’t mean they could have been better.
- You can’t force people to be the way you want them to be. If you gotta force it, just leave it alone.
- Relaxing, resetting, taking a break or any form of slowing down is not being lazy, it’s a mature power move.
- Choosing yourself over other people/social situations is not selfish. Be confident in your decision to say no. Stick to your priorities and set boundaries.
- The version of you that other people created in their mind is not your responsibility. You cannot prove yourself to people who don’t know themselves.
- Know your pace. Trust your process.
- A person who is going to do big things cannot let small things get to them. Do not allow anyone to mess with your flow. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
- Grades, school rankings/reps and formal education overall do not define you, your work ethic, your intelligence, nor your ability to succeed.
- Money doesn’t solve everything.
- You don’t have to answer personal questions or explain yourself to anyone. What people don’t know, they make up. Let them think what they want to think – you have no control over that.
- Recruiters, advisors, employers, professors or anyone else deemed a “professional” are not always professional, nor do all of them live up to their title.
- Anything worth having will not be handed to you. Work for what you want, but understand that sometimes, you can’t control the results of your hard work. Prepare, do the best you can do, be confident in knowing you did your part and leave the rest up to the higher power.
- No response is a response. If they wanted to, they would.
- Lots of people will not see your value. They will be blind to your vision. Not everyone will want to see you win, but somebody will. One person will take a chance on you and believe in you. Focus on the one.
- Be proud of yourself and how much you have handled. You are exactly where you need to be.
- The curated images that people put on social media is not a depiction of their real life.
- Prayer is powerful.
- It’s okay to not follow diet culture. Eat what feels good for you and your body.
- Things may not happen in the way that you want or how you want, but there is a time and place for everything. What is meant for you will never miss you.
2020 Visions
I hope that this post showed you that you are not alone. Everyone is going through something, big or small. I’m so thankful for all of the lessons I’ve learned in 2019 and I hope that what I have shared with you will serve as insights or reminders that you can keep in your back pocket, not only for the new year, but for the rest of your life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my goal with Style Prose is to inspire others with what inspires me. I aim to lift as I climb by helping others to become the best version of themselves.
You don’t have to wait until the New Year to make resolutions or set goals for yourself. Every single day when you first wake up in the morning is a new chance, a new opportunity for you to make moves and set the tone for how you create and cultivate the life you say you want. It all starts with you. It’s between you and you. Leave a comment and let me know some of your wins (big or small) that you accomplished this year. Or, tell me some things that you want to manifest and bring into your life in 2020 (habits, types of people, goals, etc.) I’d love to hear it!
Until next year,
Kaamilah
