Dose of Prose
The concept of time will never cease to amaze me. It’s true when they say that time flies when you’re having fun. In fact, there are moments and memories of my life that I wish I could freeze, just to enjoy it a little bit longer. Simultaneously, time can move slow…especially as it relates to things you don’t want to do, conversations you seek to avoid or challenges you must face. Those times are hard, leaving you asking yourself, when will it be my time to shine? It’s equally frustrating when time has its way of standing completely still – you feel stuck, wanting more out of life, asking yourself, how can I let the good times roll?
One thing for certain and two things fasho’, life will always have its ups and downs. What matters the most, however, is how you choose to navigate it all. To learn how to find purpose during transitional phases, check out my blog post here. Another way to look at this, is that the obstacles in your path, are your path. Meaning, the setbacks or difficulties you experience in your life are not impeding your success, but rather, they serve as pathways and opportunities to achieving personal growth, fulfillment and ultimately, getting happier. Today’s post is about just that: how to be happier. Since time is of the essence and if you take the time to read this post (ok, I think that’s enough time analogies lol 😉), you’ll find out how to do so.
How to Build the Life You Want
(aka Getting Happier)
One of my weekend simple pleasures is to read on my patio while sipping my morning espresso. I recently finished the book Build the Life You Want by Arthur C. Brooks and Oprah Winfrey. I gained many takeaways from this read, which is why I felt called to share my insights with you. I began this book while undergoing a very stressful, mentally taxing time in my life, and upon finishing the book I have developed better strategies for getting happier during those trying times.
To be honest, I was initially hesitant in writing this blog because I felt like I was in no place to ‘teach’ or help others build the life they want when mine is still very much a work in progress. However, me writing this blog post, is progress. This book encouraged me to not hide my own struggles, and if anything, made me realize that this is the time when I am the most effective teacher. I want to use the challenges I’ve dealt with in my life to help you understand that you are not alone, and that getting happier is possible. I encourage you to read the book, as this blog post is just barely scratching the surface of the gems covered in the book, but if you don’t, I hope this post will serve as an inspiration for you and at the very least, a TL;DR summary.
1) Break Yourself out of Mental Jail
Here’s a hard truth that you may not want to hear nor accept: you are the cause of your own unhappiness. Yeah, that’s right, I said it – it’s all your fault. Most of the time, we put ourselves in what I like to call mental jail. We are trapped in this analysis paralysis of how we are perceived by others. In life, we spend our time in two mental states: observing and being observed. For example, when you are driving somewhere you are being a defensive driver and observing the cars and pedestrians around you so you don’t get in an accident (I hope lol).
Once you reach your destination, like your job or the grocery store, then you start to take in how others observe you (i.e., receiving feedback on a work project, a random person making a weird face at you, checking social media notification ‘likes’, etc.) The issue is that we often spend too much time on the latter. We obsess over our identities and how the opinions of others shape that identity. A quick fix would be for me to say, stop caring what people think, but that is a lot easier said than done. Instead, a more realistic recommendation I believe and am personally practicing, is to find a balance between the two.
How I Put Myself in Prison
School/education and my career were and are huge parts of my identity, as well as being a creative. However, I spent a lot of time in mental jail seeking approval from others in all these areas. I associated good grades with being intelligent. The rankings/names of certain institutions were placed on a pedestal in my mind, as I associated it with prestige – if I didn’t go to xyz Ivy League, I thought I failed (before you ask/assume, this pressure was all by me because I’m an overachieving perfectionist; my parents never pressure me at all and are the best parents I could ever ask for).
I took work feedback personally (similar to my mindset about grades) as if it was a direct reflection of my own capabilities. There were many creative videos and blog posts that I didn’t and haven’t published because of me overthinking about what my family members and followers from my high school, college and grad school would think – constantly assuming they judge or say negative things about my posts.
I know that I’m beautiful, smart and talented, but the reality was that I lost my confidence in believing this because I put myself in this constant guilt and shame loop of not being ‘good enough.’ This was based on the challenging experiences and people I was dealing with in my educational/professional life and creative pursuits. That prestigious university? Yeah, more like a business-run institution with deeply rooted layers of systemic racism and administrators in the sunken place who hung me out to dry. That big time Wall Street job? Yeah, more like a disorganized, cliquey startup with an insecure, discriminatory, retaliating manager who was intimidated by me. All those videos and posts I spend hours editing? Yeah, 99% of the time I hardly get any new followers, views or likes, let alone brand deals.
Breaking Free
It wasn’t until I began to rethink and reframe my mindset about my identity and release the anxieties of needing approval to free myself from mental jail. I realized that conversations are not tennis: when someone or something throws a ball at you, you don’t have to hit it back. You can just let the ball fall to the ground. School and a job is just an extension of me, not all that I am. And even if I only get 3 likes or only 1 person reads this post, I’m glad it reached who it needed to reach. I’m trying to build a community and honestly, my target audience is not (and never was) my family members or peers from high school and college.
Taking Back Control
I got my grad degree at a different university where I had no academic issues and found an incredible network of professors that were extremely supportive. I landed a different job at a different firm with a team and manager who are flexible and want to see me succeed. If this isn’t proof that when one door closes another one opens I don’t know what is.
I was able to gain back my confidence and stopped responding to narratives that I made up in my head about what I assumed people thought about me. Two things can be true, and I can equally say that the previous job and academic program I was in were not a good fit, but still, I no longer allow the things that happen to me to impact what I know to be true about myself. If you have a similar experience or are beating yourself up about what somebody else said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do…please take that stress off of you. You don’t have to carry that burden. Release yourself from mental jail.
2) Choose a Better Emotion
Understand and know that the prison of other’s approval is built, maintained and guarded by you. You have have the keys to take yourself out of this prison. In life, people are going to do and say things that are intended to offend you. The best part about this is that you can choose to not be offended. You can choose a better emotion. I think the biggest misconception about happiness is that it is black and white. You’re either unhappy or happy. However, I’d argue that you cannot achieve one without the other. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that happiness does not exist. The end goal should just be to get happier, wherever you are.
Ask the Right Questions
Don’t ask for flowers and be surprised when it rains. I had to go through challenges at one school and firm in order to lead me to a better academic program and higher paying role at a different school and firm. If you need a sign here it is: take back control of your emotions. Ask yourself: what brings me joy? Does this person/place/thing excite, frighten or deaden me? If you’re going through a hard time, think about how, in this moment can I react differently? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a good cuss out lol, but it’s not always productive.
Choose reactions not based on your negative emotions, but rather, based on the outcomes you prefer in your life. I was not happy in my program and job, I was being treated unfairly, nothing was what I thought it was… I kept saying to myself, why is this happening to me? Soon I learned that this was not the right question to ask. By viewing these challenges as learning experiences, I began to actively take steps to achieve the degree and job that I really wanted.
If you are reflecting on a past painful experience, write down or think about what you learned from that bad experience and the positives that came from it. Your feelings don’t have to manage you. You have more power over your emotions than you think. Choose the emotions you want. Changing your perspective, mindset and how you react will help you to better cope with situations, be calmer, more productive and overall, say it with me, get happier.
3) Reassess Your Relationships
A major focus of my life this year has been relationships. How I show up in my relationships, setting boundaries in relationships, letting go of unhealthy relationships and committing to the healthy ones, namely, the relationship with myself. Who you surround yourself with truly impacts your mental wellbeing. For most of this year I did not feel like getting up to go to my previous job. I would sit at my desk counting down the hours until I could go home. Exhaustion took over me all day long, but as soon as I would come home…I’d get a burst of energy (oof, so many red flags that I was at the wrong place huh?).
I was constantly under a microscope at my previous job, which was stressful of course. And even though I did everything my manager would ask for and more, it was never good enough. It felt like I was experiencing adult bullying. I would hold in my anger and frustration (people who look like me don’t have the luxury of acting out at work), then would burst into tears when I came home. I was constantly complaining and turned into this angry, sad, negative person. All of this wasn’t overnight, it was over time. I didn’t even realize how I got to that place. Initially, during my first year, I enjoyed my job, I made connections, I attended all the events, I was super involved…but I was surrounding myself, day in and day out with a heavy, dense, frustrating professional relationship, I was suffering and felt trapped.
People are Portals
My toxic relationship (with my manager, not a man thankfully lol) didn’t end there. I began to re-evaluate the other relationships in my life. There were certain relationships I had where I was putting in more effort and it wasn’t being reciprocated. I found myself feeling frustrated at the traits I would see in these ‘friends,’ later realizing they were portals/mirrors to shadow sides that I didn’t like about myself. The difference, however is that I wanted to change and they didn’t. Additionally, I noticed that I was getting involved with people who weren’t evenly yolked with me. We weren’t on the same level educationally, financially, intellectually…we didn’t even really have many of the same values, lifestyle habits or interests.
What made things more confusing was the fact that in most of these relationships, the person wasn’t bad or ‘did me wrong’ per se, it’s just that they weren’t meant to be my friends. Associates, peers, someone I once knew at one point in time, may be a better box to put them in, but friends, let alone best friends? They just didn’t fit the bill. I’m all about clear communication, but I also think ‘quiet quitting, demoting or slow ghosting’ relationships is okay, especially if it’s someone who won’t change their ways no matter what you say to them. Getting happier means removing baggage, including anyone who doesn’t add value to your life. I’m about to get very blunt and business-like here, but it’s okay to have transactional relationships (that’s what networking is anyway let’s be real).
The Grieving Process
Once you get yourself out of mental jail, and start focusing on things you enjoy, you need your community to reflect that. Some relationships you choose and others you’re born into, but either way It’s good to reassess and reevaluate how those relationships make you feel. Gravitate towards those who complement your energy, not those who control it.
Your time is valuable, so don’t waste it on people who don’t align with you or don’t support the life you want to create. Again, this is easier said than done. Cutting out people in your life still comes with a grieving process. Although I got the degree I wanted, I thought I was going to get it from a different university. I was headstrong on sticking to the path I had originally created for myself. Although I was so excited about my new job, I still didn’t expect to have had that terrible experience at my old job. I had planned to be there longer, move up in the firm and had established a routine there. With this new job I was stepping into the unknown, basically starting over in unfamiliar territory.
Out with the Old, In with the New
How did I become happier in my relationships? I forgave myself – I stopped reflecting on the past, asking ‘woulda coulda shoulda’ questions and let go. I’m certain there were times where I could’ve been a better employee, a better student, a better friend, but I also know that the people/things that are meant to be in your life will find their way to you. The situation I experienced at my school and job was dealt with in the best way that I knew how to do at that time. I cherish the positive memories and people that I gained from the school/job, but in terms of everything and everyone else, well, how do I put this…they can kiss my black a**.
I’m saying all this to say, stop reflecting on episodes of your life that you no longer need to concern yourself with. Just because you’ve known someone a long time, doesn’t mean that you have to stay in a relationship with them. Think about the best version of yourself, and the values of the people you want to align with that would push you to become that person. You will be happier with yourself and those around you, it’s a win-win for everyone.
4) Make the Ordinary, Extraordinary
Everybody has obligations, and it’s easy for bills, children, pets, spouses and jobs to take over our lives. One major way I’ve gotten happier is to discover the beauty in the mundane, to seek serenity in the struggle. I always make time, even if it’s just 5 minutes to either meditate, take some deep breaths, do a workout or go outside. No tech devices, no distractions, just the company of me, myself and I. I’m not thinking about anything I’m just present, enjoying the moment for what it is.
Whether it’s savoring that first sip of coffee, hearing the birds chirp, singing/dancing to music I like as I clean, talking on the phone with my loved ones, these are all seemingly regular activities, but are special to me, because of how they make me feel. Romanticize your life. Make your chores and daily tasks more fun by associating them with a positive emotion or reward. I enjoy working out but don’t always feel like getting up early for a 6am pilates class. But I know that after the class, I’m going to get myself a coffee from my favorite coffee shop. This motivates me to go to the class and correlates a positive feeling to a mundane action. I highly recommend trying this out, and see how it makes you feel.
The Obstacle is the Way
Whenever you feel lost in life, stuck in a situation or unsure of whether or not you’re on the right path…stand still. Ground yourself. Listen to your intuition and a path will be illuminated for you. In a world that values certainty and seeks definitive answers, it can be difficult to embrace the unknown. Being alone with your thoughts is no easy feat, but if you take time to lean into silence and dig deep into the root of what is causing you distress, then you will find true enlightenment. Approaching life as a mystery presents an opportunity to adopt a mindset of curiosity and wonder.
Go With the Flow
I’ve been tested in many ways throughout my life but it has taught me to be patient, stay alert and have faith. I have learned how to sit with discomfort and treat uncertainty as a powerful stranger, an enemy that benefits me. I’ve continued to focus on what I want, and allow my purpose to drive me towards the success of my vision. Every year I somehow manage to learn something new about myself. I have grown and matured so much as a person over time that sometimes I look back at past versions of myself and hardly recognize that person. But I don’t live with any regrets nor am I ashamed of who I was, who I am nor who I will become.
I don’t have all the answers, which is ok. It’s ok to be ‘figuring it out.’ I mean, I am a human, not a robot after all (sidebar: is AI taking over the world or what?). External circumstances no longer control my headspace. I choose to go with the flow of life, rather than against it. When waking up each day, I embrace not knowing what life will bring, instead of trying to anticipate it. I encourage you to do the same. Gentle reminder: do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and make a trail. Have no fear, your obstacles will lead the way. I hope that these 4 strategies will help you to be happier in your life, your relationships and with yourself. I’m building the life I want, are you?
